A 'Ho Hum' sort of a day. Day 38

I just put my coat and boots on to set out for a walk. It's 1pm already but it's been pouring all day.

But just as I stepped out the door, the heavens opened again so i took it all off and made a coffee.

Today is turning out to be a Ho Hum sort of a day.

Yesterday i acted as celebrant for my friend's son Rowan's funeral. He was only 18 and a creative, intelligent, questioning young man. Preparing for the service last week, I wanted more than anything to create a beautiful, loving ceremony. And we did. His father, godfather and I, all being professional magicians, were overly qualified to do it right.

Today, I realise I underestimated the effect of the day. I thought that since I was only the space holder for the grief of his family and friends, it would be fairly simple and not affect me much. But how can you see a family and his friends experiencing so much grief and not be affected? Answer? You can't.

On the way home, after driving for an hour or so through pouring rain and the biggest rainbow I have ever seen, I found myself at the local Co-op handing over £20 for a full basket of chocolate and crisps. I've recovered enough from my eating disorder to recognise this as a reactive coping strategy for being emotionally triggered and was well enough, when i got home, to stash it away in a hard to reach cupboard before going straight to bed for a four hour nap.

Today, I noticed that delivering a wrongly addressed box to my neighbour seemed to be beyond me. Ringing his doorbell, having to speak to a real person was just too much. Ah. Good to notice.

Then, in emails, my final two and only paid magic projects since March were cancelled due to covid. This shambolic government still refuse to acknowledge that 3 million self-employed people haven't had a penny since March and won't get any this lockdown either. It's not a surprise, but you know, what with the funeral and the rain and isolating, as I said, it's a Ho Hum sort of day. The sort of day when you give up on any plan of getting productive work towards finding a million readers or anything at all and instead find a good film to watch while definitely not eating chocolate.

The silver lining? Oh, there are always far too many silver linings to list. The trick is to rest and go gently until they appear again.

Love love love

Romany

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